I WILL Still Love You

This week has gone by so fast, I dont even know what I did on what days- it's just been a blur. I've been writing my second reading report for my Old Testament Survey class, and it's come out to 23 pages, approximately. I had alot of fun with it, but I'm glad it's finished. :)

Last night was Halloween, and although I wasn't expecting to do anything for it, I ended going to the Halloween Costume Party at Misseo Dei with Andrew "Carl" Webb, J.R. "Socks" Roberts, Josh "One-Who-Jumps-And-Claps" Tikka, Chelsey, Jack (The Little Red Man) and the rest of the gang. I had a ton of fun just chilling out, dancing my toes off (I had bought a salsa dress from Salvation Army just the day before, so I wore that), and just having FUN. These people are my family- legit. More than they know.

On the way to Misseo Dei, J.R. saw a guy he knew, named Dennis, who had just gotten out of jail a week or so ago and is now living on the streets, trying to get back on his feet. I had the privelege and the pleasure of talking him for a couple of hours, long into the night, just about his life, and what his next steps are. As I walked inside, I was in deep-thinking mode, reflecting on all what was said. Life on his side of the fence is hard, but his motivation and determination for a better life, a life he knows he can have, inspires the people around him.

Whenever I get in a rut, when my side of the fence gets covered in dirt and soot and dung, I run to God- "Aren't you supposed to be helping me in this? Why don't you love me? Why aren't you taking care of me? I'm dirty and sooty and smelly and gross... I'm slipping into this pit and I can't get out. I'm hurting and bleeding and in pain- aren't you supposed to help me? You're my Daddy- where are you?"

And in every single instance, he doesn't answer my questions, he doesn't change my circumstance... instead he asks ME a question. "Will you still love me?"

Will I still love him? Will I still love him? What sort of question is that? I'm hurting here! I need help here! Will I still love you? What about me? Do you love ME?

But the Lord doesn't answer that- perhaps because the answer is obvious, and I know it full well in my heart. Perhaps it's because I don't really need the answer, the answer wouldn't change anything.

"Will you still love me?"
"Yes, Lord, I will still love you."

And then it comes again. I don't have any money, and I have to pay for school! My computer breaks and I have to write a paper! My phone is drowned, and I have to call home! My friends are asking me questions that bring back pain... I fight with my parents and bring a bad day... I'm caught in depression and just don't have the strength- Lord! Lord!

"Will you still love me?"

WHAT kind of QUESTION is that?! Dennis' problems are greater than mine. He needs a place to live, he needs food to eat, he needs to be warm. The families on Lower Wacker need new hearts, new wills to live. They need to surrender and live in you. They're lost, Lord, they're dying- and I can do nothing but watch them! LORD! DO something! They are breaking my heart!

"Will you still love me?"

Will I still love the Lord, if he does not help me out of my pain?
Will I still love the Lord, if he does not save my friends?
Will I still love the Lord, if I have to go through every single day fighting depression, fighting my will, fighting my sinful nature, without any rest- Will I still love him?

LORD! I will, I will, I WILL still love you! You cause me to breathe every single second, my heart does not beat excepting you take hold of it and cause it to beat! LORD- sometimes it's hard to love you, sometimes I cannot. BUT HELP me love you! HELP me want to want to love you.

As I made my bed ready to go to sleep last night, my heart burdened from all that I had heard from Dennis, his story still breaking my heart, I heard those words clear in my ears again. "Alisha, will you still love me?"

"Yes... yes, I will still love you. It's hard. But I will still love you. Help me love you Lord."

:) Will you still love him? Easy to say, harder to do.