Noah
Small one, dimpled chin and cheeks
Resting on the cradled arm
Skin deep and dark from muddied paths
Eyes closed to the light of the true world
Opened to another- the light of his mind
Izzi
Curled tips bouncing forth
Surprise of blue where brown lights should set
Looking at you like you're the map
To the land of aged humor and fantasy.
Her fingers create colored pages
Easily laughter catches air and flight
Toes clothed by sparkly dancers
Shoes found by fairy princesses themselves
The dimpled cheeks bear witness to
True happiness that comes in pink and purple
Micki
Cogs turning within a golden watch
Closed-in secrets of history and politics
Beneath a dimpled smile and elegance
Golden curls cascade before eyes dark in though
Never-ending road of mystery
Only Holmes would defeat, or Shakespeare create
An ending almost worthy of her Greatest Design
Envelope of linen and parchment, waxed seals
Doors open to silver keys
Light within the Darkness
She pursues the Truth until it is exhausted
Mommie
Deep darkness of early morning
Door cracks, line of light, little footsteps
Encircled embrace and quickened heartbeat
Warm tiny body beside her.
Her precious name uttered quietly
Hushed and serene, beloved.
Daddy
Bronze light heavy under deepened brow
Muscles trained to carry the world
Knowledge defeating paths of mystery
Inspiration found in lines of letters.
Trying to figure out his destiny
Belief in a story, he is but a character
Attempting feats with unknown strength
Tying bonds around his family no one can break
They speak of his life with care and dear
Daring windy waters, a storm of wrath
To carry all of his precious cargo to safety
Alisha
Life throws her unexpected opportunities
Hidden treasure among mere chaff
A field of Pearl between those of wheat
Her story written with fingers of aged glory
Each letter leading toward depth of color
Too beautiful to express
She holds tight to the beloved strength
And carries her audience to a world of light
No laughter ceases, no tear begins
Her treasure's value lies deep within
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Majesty
She kneels before the towering pile of branches, needles, and glistening apparel that screamed “Beautiful!” at the top of it's lungs. The room echoed it's silent heaves, laden with as much mirth and glee to rise a city from its knees. But to it, she does not turn an ear.
Ornaments dripping off of plastic pine with golden cord, crystalline lights shimmering eerily above the circlet of holly and red ribbon cascading at every corner. The shine of every cherub's eye and the point of every silver-studded star pierces the air, and everything is perfect.
Outside, oblivious to the green and gold and silver and stone, the salting of snow about the road- not too much to cause discomfort, but just enough to dust the world. Carolers toting semi-sweet notes, of good tidings and joy and mistletoe, their clasped gloved hands bright colored against the white backdrop of sow. Their rosy cheeks and perfect rows of teeth gaping wide to form the words only the pristine windows and snow-laden homefront are attentive enough to hear. But still she does not cast a single thought to the sight. The perfection of the scene, cast by dim lighted candles and the firelight's glow, was not by what her tears poured.
Her hands and knees ached, bend down beneath the curtain of evergreen, hands held out among the sharply wrapped presents of glorious color. Between her cupped palms stood tiny old trinkets; an old crowned man robed in gold, beside two kneeling in purple, extended hands bearing richly wrapped gifts. Three shepherds huddle opposite, upturned bearded chins holding awe and joy for the lifted angel hanging over the scene. It's wings shimmer under the worn old luster of gold paint, and his face was cracked from the many ill-kept tumbles from the tree.
A blue-wrapped maiden kneeling, eyes smiling with the little pink-painted line of mouth. Her husband's hand was laid lightly on her shoulder, their faces all turned towards the babe.
The small wood carved manger- painted straw sticking out from beneath a sleeping child, who's serene face beholds no thought to the wonderland he sits among. The towering tree, crackling fireplace, holly and the snow continue without notice to this tiny silent scene beneath it's boughs.
But she notices. Tears stream down her cheeks as her fingers tenderly touch the seemingly soft wooden cheeks of the tiny child. It was small, old, silent... broken. But it's depth of meaning weighed her heart heavier than all the majesty of her surroundings- in fact, this, instead, was her majesty. The Majesty.
The child. The shepherds. The mother. The angel.
The kings- who traveled miles and deserts following the dim point of light in the sky, certain for the Son of God at the end of their journey.
The father- who by an angel, was told to leave his country, his home, and move to Egypt, and by his faith, obeyed.
The stable- rugged, wretched, rancid... but into it's arms did the babe enter the world.
The city- by its night lights the family was turned aside, though she was griping in pain from labor... full to the brim with people who were called to their hometown to be counted by the Emperor.
The soldiers- who were ordered to witness the slaughter of hundreds of newborn children by their own hand, seeking out the single child who was named the King of the Jews.
The night- silent though it began, brought about the outpouring of such glorious chorus from the heavens that those who could hear ran in fear.
This was the majesty. This was the story. But little it stood beside the presents, wreaths, carolers and the mistletoe. But still she knelt, eyes glistening, for she knew. She knew the story. She knew the majesty. And the expressionless, voiceless trinkets held lovingly between her fingers sang a song louder than anything else in the room. For they were the Majesty of the season.
Ornaments dripping off of plastic pine with golden cord, crystalline lights shimmering eerily above the circlet of holly and red ribbon cascading at every corner. The shine of every cherub's eye and the point of every silver-studded star pierces the air, and everything is perfect.
Outside, oblivious to the green and gold and silver and stone, the salting of snow about the road- not too much to cause discomfort, but just enough to dust the world. Carolers toting semi-sweet notes, of good tidings and joy and mistletoe, their clasped gloved hands bright colored against the white backdrop of sow. Their rosy cheeks and perfect rows of teeth gaping wide to form the words only the pristine windows and snow-laden homefront are attentive enough to hear. But still she does not cast a single thought to the sight. The perfection of the scene, cast by dim lighted candles and the firelight's glow, was not by what her tears poured.
Her hands and knees ached, bend down beneath the curtain of evergreen, hands held out among the sharply wrapped presents of glorious color. Between her cupped palms stood tiny old trinkets; an old crowned man robed in gold, beside two kneeling in purple, extended hands bearing richly wrapped gifts. Three shepherds huddle opposite, upturned bearded chins holding awe and joy for the lifted angel hanging over the scene. It's wings shimmer under the worn old luster of gold paint, and his face was cracked from the many ill-kept tumbles from the tree.
A blue-wrapped maiden kneeling, eyes smiling with the little pink-painted line of mouth. Her husband's hand was laid lightly on her shoulder, their faces all turned towards the babe.
The small wood carved manger- painted straw sticking out from beneath a sleeping child, who's serene face beholds no thought to the wonderland he sits among. The towering tree, crackling fireplace, holly and the snow continue without notice to this tiny silent scene beneath it's boughs.
But she notices. Tears stream down her cheeks as her fingers tenderly touch the seemingly soft wooden cheeks of the tiny child. It was small, old, silent... broken. But it's depth of meaning weighed her heart heavier than all the majesty of her surroundings- in fact, this, instead, was her majesty. The Majesty.
The child. The shepherds. The mother. The angel.
The kings- who traveled miles and deserts following the dim point of light in the sky, certain for the Son of God at the end of their journey.
The father- who by an angel, was told to leave his country, his home, and move to Egypt, and by his faith, obeyed.
The stable- rugged, wretched, rancid... but into it's arms did the babe enter the world.
The city- by its night lights the family was turned aside, though she was griping in pain from labor... full to the brim with people who were called to their hometown to be counted by the Emperor.
The soldiers- who were ordered to witness the slaughter of hundreds of newborn children by their own hand, seeking out the single child who was named the King of the Jews.
The night- silent though it began, brought about the outpouring of such glorious chorus from the heavens that those who could hear ran in fear.
This was the majesty. This was the story. But little it stood beside the presents, wreaths, carolers and the mistletoe. But still she knelt, eyes glistening, for she knew. She knew the story. She knew the majesty. And the expressionless, voiceless trinkets held lovingly between her fingers sang a song louder than anything else in the room. For they were the Majesty of the season.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Pride, Part 1 (The Musings of a CB-er)
First of all, I want to apologize for not keeping this up-to-date lately, it's been a rough couple of weeks, and I've just not been on track. Second of all, Im BACK and in full swing. Although I missed last night's CB Biblestudy (well, CB entirely) because of a performance for the choir I am in, I will track someone down who DID attend and find out what happened from them. :) Coming soon!
As for Daniel 4 and 5, it was interesting to notice that they were essentially about the same thing; PRIDE.
Have you ever heard the saying about pride being the foundation of all sin? When we sin, we are taking control of our own life, basically saying to God "I know better than you about what I need to do in my life, I know myself better than you do, and I know what's best for me. I am King, god of my own world." Wow.
I grew up using sin as a coping method. I think, in some way or another, we have all justified our wrong actions and thoughts in order to attempt to make them alright or better than they seem. Some of us might have been lying to ourselves about "white lies" and "small sins" that are "no big deal". Realizing that sin IS a big deal, more important that I am treating it to be, and more serious to God than I am perceiving it, convicts me where it hurts. When I sin, I am telling God that I am stronger than he is, smarter than he is... Pride.
In chapter four of the book of Daniel, Pride overtakes the King Nebuchadnezzar. The Lord warns him through Daniel about the consequences that will incur if King Nebuchadnezzar does not acknowledge God as Lord. "You will be driven away from people and will live with the wild animals; you will eat grass like cattle and be drenched with the dew of heaven. Seven times will pass by for you until you acknowledge that the Most High as sovereign... The command to leave the stump of the tree with its roots means that your kingdom will be restored to you when you acknowledge that Heaven rules." (Daniel 4:27, NIV) But King Nebuchadnezzar forgets this warning, because just twelve months later, he stands on the rooftop of his palace, saying "Is not this the great Babylon I have built as the royal residence, by my mighty power and for the glory of my majesty?" Such pride!
I know I forget the truth of the words "Be still, and know that I am God." God is God, not I. This has really rung true to me in the last couple of weeks- when Im struggling with pain and perseverance, relying on God's strength seems so much more out of reach. But doing this on my own strength is telling God I am stronger than he is. Lord! Im so sorry!
As for Daniel 4 and 5, it was interesting to notice that they were essentially about the same thing; PRIDE.
Have you ever heard the saying about pride being the foundation of all sin? When we sin, we are taking control of our own life, basically saying to God "I know better than you about what I need to do in my life, I know myself better than you do, and I know what's best for me. I am King, god of my own world." Wow.
I grew up using sin as a coping method. I think, in some way or another, we have all justified our wrong actions and thoughts in order to attempt to make them alright or better than they seem. Some of us might have been lying to ourselves about "white lies" and "small sins" that are "no big deal". Realizing that sin IS a big deal, more important that I am treating it to be, and more serious to God than I am perceiving it, convicts me where it hurts. When I sin, I am telling God that I am stronger than he is, smarter than he is... Pride.
In chapter four of the book of Daniel, Pride overtakes the King Nebuchadnezzar. The Lord warns him through Daniel about the consequences that will incur if King Nebuchadnezzar does not acknowledge God as Lord. "You will be driven away from people and will live with the wild animals; you will eat grass like cattle and be drenched with the dew of heaven. Seven times will pass by for you until you acknowledge that the Most High as sovereign... The command to leave the stump of the tree with its roots means that your kingdom will be restored to you when you acknowledge that Heaven rules." (Daniel 4:27, NIV) But King Nebuchadnezzar forgets this warning, because just twelve months later, he stands on the rooftop of his palace, saying "Is not this the great Babylon I have built as the royal residence, by my mighty power and for the glory of my majesty?" Such pride!
I know I forget the truth of the words "Be still, and know that I am God." God is God, not I. This has really rung true to me in the last couple of weeks- when Im struggling with pain and perseverance, relying on God's strength seems so much more out of reach. But doing this on my own strength is telling God I am stronger than he is. Lord! Im so sorry!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Psalm of Anguish
To whom do I call out? To the LORD, the LORD Almighty- the maker of the heavens and the earth, the Glory of all Creation, the God of my Heart, and the one who takes away all of my pain.
Lord, Lord, I feel alone! And although I am surrounded by multitudes of people, today I feel so small. SO small. While my knees are pulled up under my chin, I cry out to you, I weep to you, my Lord! My God! My God! Where are you?
I remember accusing you, I remember pointing my mortal finger at you, Lord, and asking you for whom do YOU serve. I remember expecting you to serve me. I remember asking for my own strength, so that I could be strong enough to stand and walk this life alone. I remember asking for the abilities to live without disappointment, to live without pain, to be strong always and to never need anyone.
"Where are you, Lord? Didn't you say you'd never leave me? And yet I look around and find you nowhere." I would say. "Where are you? You're supposed to be working in my life, and yet I feel empty, helpless, weak... I am alone, and you are not here."
But now, O Lord, I am certain that you are near. And although I cannot see you, although I cannot feel you, I am certain that you are close. For the promises of your Word are the foundation on which I stand. I cannot live without them. I cannot breath without them.
Take away my unbelief, my Father! I feel so alone, but I know that I cannot be. You must be here, you must be here. I pray for weakness. Keep me weak, keep me broken- then I will always need you.
Lord, break my heart. Break my heart. Where are you, Lord? Where are you? I wish I could see you, I wish I could feel you.
I praise you, Lord. I praise you. Now, when my pain and my blood rises to my lips, they can still only speak your name.
Lord, Lord, I feel alone! And although I am surrounded by multitudes of people, today I feel so small. SO small. While my knees are pulled up under my chin, I cry out to you, I weep to you, my Lord! My God! My God! Where are you?
I remember accusing you, I remember pointing my mortal finger at you, Lord, and asking you for whom do YOU serve. I remember expecting you to serve me. I remember asking for my own strength, so that I could be strong enough to stand and walk this life alone. I remember asking for the abilities to live without disappointment, to live without pain, to be strong always and to never need anyone.
"Where are you, Lord? Didn't you say you'd never leave me? And yet I look around and find you nowhere." I would say. "Where are you? You're supposed to be working in my life, and yet I feel empty, helpless, weak... I am alone, and you are not here."
But now, O Lord, I am certain that you are near. And although I cannot see you, although I cannot feel you, I am certain that you are close. For the promises of your Word are the foundation on which I stand. I cannot live without them. I cannot breath without them.
Take away my unbelief, my Father! I feel so alone, but I know that I cannot be. You must be here, you must be here. I pray for weakness. Keep me weak, keep me broken- then I will always need you.
Lord, break my heart. Break my heart. Where are you, Lord? Where are you? I wish I could see you, I wish I could feel you.
I praise you, Lord. I praise you. Now, when my pain and my blood rises to my lips, they can still only speak your name.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Take My Life (by Third Day)
If you press the "Play" button on the Grooveshark widgit above, sit back and close your eyes, or read the lyrics below, You'd soon realize why this song is my prayer in this season of my life.
How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time you've taken me back
And now I ask you do it once more
Chorus
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to you
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to you Jesus
How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
And every time you've taken me back
And now I pray you'll do it tonight
(Chorus)
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Prayer
I love you Lord! I praise you every single moment of the day, with every single breath! Thank you Lord, you alone are worthy of everything I have to give! I LOVE YOU LORD!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Three's A Crowd
For the last couple of weeks I have been trying hard to be more proactive in my relationship with my Lord. So often I find myself slipping down the slippery slope into "doing stuff"- trying so hard to do the right things, acting the right way, saying the right things, attending the right places, that I get caught up in that, and I no longer am "BEING", just merely "DOING".
This past weekend (November 5-8) I was visited by my good friend Katie Beer and her friend Lydia. They were on a roadtrip from Detroit, Michigan, where I grew up, to St. Louis and further into Missouri, where Lydia's family lives. In these short three days I have been taught so many things about myself and the life I have chosen to live than I have learned in a long, long time.
On Friday, I was preparing myself to go do Squatter Camp, a homeless simulation that I had signed up for a long time earlier, with one of my good Moody friends, Katie Koopman ("Small One"). Katie and Lydia were on their way into Chicago, and they were only a few hours to arrival. I didn't realize how much I relied on plans and expectations until my RA told me I couldn't do Squatter Camp with my friends here, because they couldn't be in my room while I was sleeping out on the plaza. So change of plans.
"Small One" went off to do Squatter Camp on her own, and I was left sitting in my room, waiting for my friends to arrive. When they did, we meandered over to Ed Debevick's with my friend April, and then around Downtown, the City Night Lights shining bright and beautiful over the streets. Up and down Michigan Avenue lead us back to Chicago Ave, and then back to school, where we enjoyed Midnight Pancake Night on my floor (Smith 7) and I introduced K + L to my RA, Noelle, and some of the other girls on my floor.
I was so worried about my Small One, outside in the cold, so I left my friends up in my RA's room and ran down to Smith 4, where I talked alittle with ANOTHER Katie, Katie Holmes, Small One's roommate. UGhk... caring about people is HARD. I was reading Isaiah at the time, and came across this verse: Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I was dealing with some severe anxiety attacks that day and the couple of days after, and reading that verse gave me strength and peace of heart to not worry about Small One, or anything else. I slept well that night.
Saturday rolled around with alot of things to do. We woke up- THEY woke up late and we skipped out for a day on the town. I gave them a taste of the Red Line and the Chicago busses, caught up with my friends Amber and Small One and went to the Water Tower for lunch at FoodLife, sifted through the American Girl Place and Hershey's World, Ghiradelli's and the Disney Store, and then landed squarely at CB. CB (standing for Chicago's Beloved) is the homeless ministry I do every Saturday afternoon, walking down Lower Wacker, doing a biblestudy in Millenium Station, and eating chili at the Thompson Center are just a few things I LOVE doing with my CB family. K+L, Small One, Amber, another friend of mine named Tayte, and Small One's entire Squatter Camp participants attended CB that day with the other regulars.
After a great biblestudy and a quick bite of chili, K+L went to Navy Pier (with careful directions dictated by muah) and Small One and I went down to Lower Wacker with Pat Hecker, Josh Tikka, John Lee and a new friend named Brian. After a long walk through LW (Lower Wacker), we split off from Pat, Josh and Brian, and we Moody-ers went back to school. I met back up with K+L at the Cheesecake Factory for a late dinner and then took the bus back for a good night's sleep.
Sunday was alittle less hectic. We slept long into the morning again, then went out to Giordanos for lunch (Chicago style pizza! Yay!)... took the SkyDeck tour on the Sears/Willis Tower, and rode the 'L' around the Loop, pointing out landmarks along the way. We took the Blue Line out to Wicker Park for church with my friend Brian, and then back to school to relax and read, listening to the echoing Lecrae Concert in the tunnels. We migrated to a warmer spot in the tunnels and were met by Andrew Webb and Josh Tikka, Small One, and DRoc, and just had a fun time laughing and being together. The night ended with a couple of good conversations, and some more chapters of Isaiah finished.
Monday morning was quiet and after work and a morning class, we meandered around Old Towne in search of a cafe. Tayte and Small One helped me see K+L off, and as they left, I thought all this through in my head.
I know this recount is long, and I intended it that way. Although I'm sure I could have put my point accross through less elaborate terms, I wanted to be honest when I say this- I didn't realize how much of my life is surrounded by PEOPLE until I re-read these paragraphs I've written above.
I'm not saying that the things I did this weekend were in any way wrong, or that I regret them, in fact it's the opposite, I don't regret them, because I am learning from them. I've learned that my life has been made better by people- they litter and scatter my posts like confetti- they speak into my life and change my mind. They make me remember that love is possible, strength is acquireable, honor is achievable, virtue is reachable, honesty is desireable. They keep me sane, keep me level, keep me protected and safe. They help me, they make me, they teach me.
BUT, I also realize that too often do I rely my life on them. Too often recently have I let them determine my days, whether they be good, or they be bad. Not once this weekend have I stopped my business, gone off by myself and spent time just me and the Lord. People were more important. PEOPLE WERE MORE IMPORTANT.
Sure, I prayed. Sure I read my Bible- but to what means? Why? Because I needed to? People, the people around me, they are my world. My LORD should be my world, not PEOPLE. Not human beings. Lord, forgive me!
I love my friends. I LOVE THEM. I would die for them. But I also need to learn how to balance my life- I need to stay grounded and rooted in the relationship I have with my Father, my Creater, my Lover, my Protector, my Friend. He needs to be the main influence in my life. PERIOD.
While I praise the Lord for the people he's brought in my life;
I praise him for the new friends and the new family-away-from-family;
I praise him for the lessons He's teaching me through their interaction in my life- forcing me out of my bubble and my shell, forcing me to be vunerable, forcing me to be proactive in their lives and mine, forcing me to be trusting, forcing me to expect;
I praise him, I praise him, I praise him; every day, every minute, every second...
I also need to praise him because He is God. Just because of that. He is my God. I need to learn to live with him by myself. I need to learn how to be home in him. I need to learn how I need him, I need to learn how I want him... I need to learn how to be in a relationship with him- one that's just him and me. And that scares me. That scares me.
This past weekend (November 5-8) I was visited by my good friend Katie Beer and her friend Lydia. They were on a roadtrip from Detroit, Michigan, where I grew up, to St. Louis and further into Missouri, where Lydia's family lives. In these short three days I have been taught so many things about myself and the life I have chosen to live than I have learned in a long, long time.
On Friday, I was preparing myself to go do Squatter Camp, a homeless simulation that I had signed up for a long time earlier, with one of my good Moody friends, Katie Koopman ("Small One"). Katie and Lydia were on their way into Chicago, and they were only a few hours to arrival. I didn't realize how much I relied on plans and expectations until my RA told me I couldn't do Squatter Camp with my friends here, because they couldn't be in my room while I was sleeping out on the plaza. So change of plans.
"Small One" went off to do Squatter Camp on her own, and I was left sitting in my room, waiting for my friends to arrive. When they did, we meandered over to Ed Debevick's with my friend April, and then around Downtown, the City Night Lights shining bright and beautiful over the streets. Up and down Michigan Avenue lead us back to Chicago Ave, and then back to school, where we enjoyed Midnight Pancake Night on my floor (Smith 7) and I introduced K + L to my RA, Noelle, and some of the other girls on my floor.
I was so worried about my Small One, outside in the cold, so I left my friends up in my RA's room and ran down to Smith 4, where I talked alittle with ANOTHER Katie, Katie Holmes, Small One's roommate. UGhk... caring about people is HARD. I was reading Isaiah at the time, and came across this verse: Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I was dealing with some severe anxiety attacks that day and the couple of days after, and reading that verse gave me strength and peace of heart to not worry about Small One, or anything else. I slept well that night.
Saturday rolled around with alot of things to do. We woke up- THEY woke up late and we skipped out for a day on the town. I gave them a taste of the Red Line and the Chicago busses, caught up with my friends Amber and Small One and went to the Water Tower for lunch at FoodLife, sifted through the American Girl Place and Hershey's World, Ghiradelli's and the Disney Store, and then landed squarely at CB. CB (standing for Chicago's Beloved) is the homeless ministry I do every Saturday afternoon, walking down Lower Wacker, doing a biblestudy in Millenium Station, and eating chili at the Thompson Center are just a few things I LOVE doing with my CB family. K+L, Small One, Amber, another friend of mine named Tayte, and Small One's entire Squatter Camp participants attended CB that day with the other regulars.
After a great biblestudy and a quick bite of chili, K+L went to Navy Pier (with careful directions dictated by muah) and Small One and I went down to Lower Wacker with Pat Hecker, Josh Tikka, John Lee and a new friend named Brian. After a long walk through LW (Lower Wacker), we split off from Pat, Josh and Brian, and we Moody-ers went back to school. I met back up with K+L at the Cheesecake Factory for a late dinner and then took the bus back for a good night's sleep.
Sunday was alittle less hectic. We slept long into the morning again, then went out to Giordanos for lunch (Chicago style pizza! Yay!)... took the SkyDeck tour on the Sears/Willis Tower, and rode the 'L' around the Loop, pointing out landmarks along the way. We took the Blue Line out to Wicker Park for church with my friend Brian, and then back to school to relax and read, listening to the echoing Lecrae Concert in the tunnels. We migrated to a warmer spot in the tunnels and were met by Andrew Webb and Josh Tikka, Small One, and DRoc, and just had a fun time laughing and being together. The night ended with a couple of good conversations, and some more chapters of Isaiah finished.
Monday morning was quiet and after work and a morning class, we meandered around Old Towne in search of a cafe. Tayte and Small One helped me see K+L off, and as they left, I thought all this through in my head.
I know this recount is long, and I intended it that way. Although I'm sure I could have put my point accross through less elaborate terms, I wanted to be honest when I say this- I didn't realize how much of my life is surrounded by PEOPLE until I re-read these paragraphs I've written above.
I'm not saying that the things I did this weekend were in any way wrong, or that I regret them, in fact it's the opposite, I don't regret them, because I am learning from them. I've learned that my life has been made better by people- they litter and scatter my posts like confetti- they speak into my life and change my mind. They make me remember that love is possible, strength is acquireable, honor is achievable, virtue is reachable, honesty is desireable. They keep me sane, keep me level, keep me protected and safe. They help me, they make me, they teach me.
BUT, I also realize that too often do I rely my life on them. Too often recently have I let them determine my days, whether they be good, or they be bad. Not once this weekend have I stopped my business, gone off by myself and spent time just me and the Lord. People were more important. PEOPLE WERE MORE IMPORTANT.
Sure, I prayed. Sure I read my Bible- but to what means? Why? Because I needed to? People, the people around me, they are my world. My LORD should be my world, not PEOPLE. Not human beings. Lord, forgive me!
I love my friends. I LOVE THEM. I would die for them. But I also need to learn how to balance my life- I need to stay grounded and rooted in the relationship I have with my Father, my Creater, my Lover, my Protector, my Friend. He needs to be the main influence in my life. PERIOD.
While I praise the Lord for the people he's brought in my life;
I praise him for the new friends and the new family-away-from-family;
I praise him for the lessons He's teaching me through their interaction in my life- forcing me out of my bubble and my shell, forcing me to be vunerable, forcing me to be proactive in their lives and mine, forcing me to be trusting, forcing me to expect;
I praise him, I praise him, I praise him; every day, every minute, every second...
I also need to praise him because He is God. Just because of that. He is my God. I need to learn to live with him by myself. I need to learn how to be home in him. I need to learn how I need him, I need to learn how I want him... I need to learn how to be in a relationship with him- one that's just him and me. And that scares me. That scares me.
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