Meeting Me

I was afraid to ask what I knew I should ask. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but they were stalled by the fear that God would actually give me what I was asking for, and I was scared of that. I stood there a moment, and looked at my feet. What did the words “break my heart” mean to the Lord? How would that feel? Did I want to know?

I closed my eyes and let the words silently fall. The inner-sanctuary of my heart trembled, wondering what great thing God was preparing for me- my heart had been so hard for so long. I walked around like a brick wall, too afraid to absorb love or fear or anything remotely emotional... perhaps because I couldnt handle it... perhaps because I didnt know if I would have the strength. Or I knew I didnt... and I didnt know how to handle that...

I was waiting for the others to come, the trees waving slightly under the weight of the breeze, and the chill picking up and whirling around the people standing motionless alone among the brick and concrete. People were scarce, inevitably working diligently on something, writing papers, doing homework... not even aware of the little group that left campus in the middle of the Saturday afternoon to partake in another world... hopping on the Brown Line like it was the vortex to the other dimension. I was silent, half wishing the wind had taken my words and swept it away... or that the Lord would have been occupied with some other, greater task, than to answer the small prayer that I had let up a couple of minutes earlier.

We walked alittle, the anticipation mounting. Satan hated what we were doing- I could feel it in my bones, in my soul. I had been wrestling with him all day, reminded of the massive work load I had waiting for me at home, and yet I still went, although my heart did not want to, I went. I had millions and millions of excuses running through my mind... yet I still went. Why did I go? Why didn't I just stay at home? Why didn't I just say no for this week, and just said “Ill catch you next week”... what was so significant, so powerful about this week that Satan was going to the lengths to try and keep me from going?

We arrived at the meeting place where there were twenty to thirty people standing in a group. The glass doors that stood before us let out into the Downtown Chicago street, soldiers in uniform standing outside, waiting for someone- loved ones, taxi... A wall of windows set side-by-side towered up over the doors, and we could see the rising line of the surrounding buildings, tapering off. We stood in the glow of the un-seen sky and prayed. Bags of sandwiches and cases of bottled water sat against the wall beside an expensive clothing shop. The well-dressed manniquins stood idle before garbage bags and backpacks, and college students preparing themselves for the long walk. I stood somewhat quiet on the outskirts of the circle, waiting for them to quiet down, listening for someone to announce the groups.

I had gone down Lower Wacker the week before, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. And as I readied myself to enter that world again, I couldnt help but feel a little fear- fear of the unknown, fear of the known... afraid that it would be as intense as last week, and afraid of my prayer for a broken heart. Who prays for a broken heart? I trembled.

Lower Wacker dips down, steady orange lights illuminating the road before us, cement collumns holding the concrete ceiling in place, the rushing sound of the occasional car or truck or semi echoing against the walls. We hop one of the barriars and walk around another. Behind lies two men, their blankets pulled closely to their chest, their bodies thin and shivvering. The stench is unbearable at first, but we push through it and set the brown paper bag that holds the sandwich and a bag of chips or pretzels, and the bottled water down next to them. One of them, named Roc, glares at us and yells at us to get on our way, but the other nods his head and smiles alittle. A little further lies a family, their cardboard box wall separating their little home from the dirty ground. Their shoes sat neatly on the border of their area, and she gives us alittle smile, recognising us from last week.

As we moved on to the next, and the next, the little piles of clothing and blankets moving to reveal a face, I couldnt help but be silent. My usual boisterous, out-loud self was quieted as I was shown again and again the reality of life. These were real people... real people. And my hard heart, void of emotion, couldn't handle that reality.

We took the stairs up out of Lower Wacker an hour or so later, a little late for the biblestudy we attended every week and invited some of the people to. I was breathing a sigh of relief, happy, somewhat, that it was over. We walked down the street, just talking and laughing, exchanging stories, when we passed her.

She was standing on the corner of Rudolf and Michigan, her big brown eyes filled with unspilt tears, a little paper sign in her hands, her lips pursed shut. “I left my abusive boyfriend for a battered women's shelter that was scarier. Help me get home.” was what it basically said. She wore a green shirt that did no damage against the wind, and her brown hair was pulled back into a half-ponytail. She looked... normal. I looked at her, and my heart broke. In her eyes, I saw me.

There stood me, a mere year and a half ago- maybe not holding a sign, maybe not standing on the corner of Rudolf and Michigan, but there I was, no where to go, no where to stay, no one to love me. There was me, standing cold against the wind, and wishing that there were people in the world who cared enough to send me somewhere I could call home.

As the members of our group listened to her story, I could hardly hear her words over the cracking of my heart in my ears. I pulled off my sweatshirt and handed it to her, and over the screams of the city, I laid my hand on her and cried out to God for her- keep her safe Lord, keep her warm... give her not a doubt in her mind, Lord, that you love her. Take care of her, Lord, take care of Kelly.

Inside I remember screaming those words. I remember asking him “LORD, why dont you love me? Lord! Why don't you care? Im out here cold and unhappy and broken and bleeding and homeless, why arent you taking care of me?! Where are you Lord?! Why dont you love me?” And as I prayed those words for her, the breaking of my heart brought a pain in my throat, and as I gave her a parting hug and we parted with the few dollars on us, walking away was almost too hard to bear. Why didnt God give me more money to give? Why did I have to be poor- that I couldnt be the someone I didnt have when I was there for her? I walked across the intersection holding my head, the wind pushing the chill around my now-bare arms. I went faster, hoping that the group following behind me wouldnt see my bitter tears as I wept. I wept. I never cry. And yet I wept.

Lord! Lord! I didnt ask to be faced by my brokenness. I didn't ask to be given a mirror- I didn't want to see my own pain. But yet, thats what happened. I had spent so much time and effort and heart ache trying to forget who I was, what I had come from, what I was feeling... I didnt want to know. I didnt want to feel it. I was afraid to. And yet here I was, faced with another me... Kelly... Kelly.

As I wept, my group caught up with me, and one of the girls put her hand on me and cried with me. We walked in silence, and when she asked me what was wrong, I whispered through my tears “I just met me!” The reality was so sharp, so vivid, that I could grasp it and it cut me.

The Lord Convicts

SO the third week (I think) of school is beginning, and Lord, I have much to do. I have been kind of blindly doing things, taking things for granted, and getting caught up in the whirlwinds of life here on campus, that I almost forgot entirely the reason I was here! Oh, Lord, why do I cause you so much pain?

I'm entirely broke, now- it's pathetic to see how I used the few dollars I have left in my name after making that first payment, there were so many things I could have relied on God for instead of relying on my own strength and spending money to acquire. A computer, for one... it died a week and a half ago, and I prayed but did not trust that God would deliver me a computer... so I bought a used one for alot of money (it was cheaper than new, but more expensive than free) and then God miraculously fixed my computer, and now I have spent/wasted money.

LORD- I dont know what you want to do with me, your plan is opening up for me in front of my eyes.

If it's not the Lord's will that I get a student loan, then what is his will? If it is his will that I work my payments off, then how can I accomplish that? Lord, give me more faith!

I may sound like I'm struggling, and in reality, I am... but not in the extent that I should be. Sometimes I take for granted that whatever's going to happen is going to happen, and I do very little to change it. Maybe I should be more proactive in dictating what sort of life I want to pursue, what sort of person I want to become. Sitting and watching will turn me into a woman of procrastination, of hesitation... and I want to be a woman of determination, of faith- who shows it by stepping out and fighting for what she believes in. Lord, I have failed you in so many ways, these past few weeks... give me the strength to tune my ears to your voice, give me the will to want to obey you.

:) I love you, God. Thank you for taking me thus far.

Updates

Dear everyone- The Lord has really been working miracles in my life, both little and big. Although I havent found a co-signer yet for my student loan, I am starting the first day of my new job tomorrow morning at seven (rise and shine!)... so Im really praising the Lord about that- and ONTOP of that, I talked to my school and they're willing to give me an extension on the payment I owe them, until I find a cosigner for my loan. So PRAISE THE LORD! :)

Moody Bible Institute has really become a home for me, in the mere number of weeks (or days) I've been here. The community has really been a place where I can be challenged and yet accepted. :) I've been doing nothing but meeting new people for the last week and a half! Last night I went to see the fireworks at Navy Pier, sitting on the edge of a parking-structure's wall to get the best veiw possible... it was amazing. The swells of people everywhere... and the city sounds fill me to the brim with joy!

Yesterday morning I got up early to make the traditional Gneco-style Saturday morning breakfast- Eggs with broccoli, and mushrooms, and onions... and potatos and sausage... and orange juice... MMmmmmm I love our little kitchenette! :) My roommates both told me that it was delicious- thanks mom and dad for our little traditions! :) <3

All in all, life has been good, despite the little bumps along the way. I thank and praise the Lord everyday for bringing me here, and pray that he might help me stay here. :) Thank you for your prayers and I will update ya'll as soon as something worth updating comes along! :)

Praise the Lord

Hi everyone! SO- alot has happened in the few days that has passed- one, it's SATURDAY PEOPLE!!! :) No classes, minimal homework, and lots of time. :) Two, yesterday I GOT A JOB!!! Im working as a cleaning lady ON CAMPUS in the Phys Plant... so EXCITED. :)

Also, I have to get a loan because I haven't been able to get a job til now. Just pray that I find a co-signer because I cant get it on my own. :(

Thanks so much for your prayers! Ill talk more later. :)

Finally it HITS

SO today turned out to be a borderline Epic Fail/ Epic Win day. :PPP I was really happy when I woke up this morning, got some stuff done (all my homework was finished the day before) and was excited that we were blessed with a printer last night off of craigslist. BUT then I got home from class and my computer was dead/broken, and I cant turn it on... and then I find out that Tech can't fix it, and that Im going to have to spend more money on something. :PPP And then it hits me that the deadline for my school bill is just around the corner and my attempts at finding a job, however vigourous or determined they are, have been futile... and THEN I have a job interview (finally) where I have to be escorted around the city by my roommate and two guys from our brother floor (and if you dont know already some of my problems with guys, Ill explain later), and the interview went well but it wasn't for the job I wanted or expected... and then I just got home and was TOTALLY STRESSED OUT.

But LORD LORD you humble me further. I felt awful today to begin with, and after an unplanned, accident-of-a-nap, I felt even worse because I feel like I lose time when I "nap"... and now that I have no computer I feel like I can do NOTHING... so I was just lying on the floor of my dorm, feeling sorry for myself, when I was invited by one of the members of my women's choir to their dorm for some hot chocolate and a good conversation. I didnt feel like going, but I decided to go... and IT WAS SO AWESOME.

Lord, the ways you make me feel so loved and accepted here makes me cry- I'm tearing up as I write this. The testimony of the young woman just down the hall, as we sipped our tea and chocolate, broke my heart and strengthened my passion. I feel so refreshed and at peace, and as we prayed together before I left, I felt so relieved that I joined Women's Choir, because I would have never had met her.

Somethings we take for granted. I hope that this is NOT one of them. I love you, Lord, and I will trust you with everything. Lord help me in the relationships I have here, especially the mixed gender ones. Especially the ones with guys, here, with my brother floor. Lord, I'm really struggling in everything. I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but LORD you have this under control! And I TRUST YOU.

Finally it hits me how much you love me and how much your will on my life is apparant to me. Please please PLEASE NEVER let me go. Thank you, I love you.

WCC Retreat! :)

Well, I got ACCEPTED into the Women's Concert Choir of Moody Bible Institute (such a stately title :) ) along with my two other roommates... aaannnnnndddd this past weekend we all went on a retreat BACK to Michigan (after I had finally left there of all things!) and just did some hang out time together.

Oh my GOSH. That retreat was the best retreat I've been on in a long time! The bonding and openness we had as all girls there was so uplifting and refreshing... I actually took the time to rest from the anxiety orientation was putting on me. It was alittle obscure going on a retreat in the middle of the first week of school, but now that I've gone I realize now why they do it that way!

Some of the thing's Im really learning and grasping is that I need to hold onto and cling to God for EVERYTHING in my life. I need to realize that I have limits and boundaries to how much I can handle and need to stop pushing myself to do EVERYTHING and be EVERYWHERE. Im starting to get first-day-of-school nerves, and I just cant wait for classes tomorrow! :) First class is at nine o'clock, and Ill keep going until around 5 in the afternoon it looks like. And although I'm going to have to slightly rearrange my schedule to fit in Choir practices, it looks like this semester is going to be consistently in the morning rather than in the afternoon (besides that one afternoon class :) ). Also, Im going to have to start making breakfast up here in my dorm during the week days because I only have the fifteen meal plan! So new things here and there, some little and some big...

Pray that I GET A JOB! Or else Ill be back in Michigan without a Moody education come September! Not cool :) (or as I also say, EPIC FAIL)

And finally, just pray that I dont get too nervous/worried when it comes to classes and everything. Thank you so much for your support! Love you guys! :)

Today's Briefing (lol)

Took a break from stressing out and watched Bolt today. :) Awesome movie to watch to pass time!

Tomorrow I'm going to a retreat with the Women's Concert Choir all three of us (my two roommates and I) were accepted in. I'm looking forward to just hanging out with my roomies and the girls from the choir.

Today we had a Room meeting, my roommates and I, and we got through alot of the basic expectations we have as roommates. We had a great conversation, and a ton of great stuff came up. :)

Who said we couldnt have fun at school? Loving it.
Talk soon. :)